emptiness

I feel empty. I'm always searching for something. and it frustrates me. I know what i'm looking for. I'm looking for a man to love me. I'm looking for attention, to be treated extra special all the time. I'm looking for romance.

I know what I'm supposed to be looking for. I'm supposed to be searching for God. I'm supposed to be running to Him and looking to Him to satisfy me and love me and fulfill my heart. But Satan always entangles me in this lie that people here on earth, the ones who hurt me and dessert me, are better than a God who never leaves or forsakes. For some reason I keep buying into that lie. And i know its a lie. And thats what makes me angry. I always seem to be on the verge of giving up. Running from God and doing what I think will make me feel good. But thankfully, by God's grace, no matter how far on that line I come, God gives me enough common sense and conscience to say no and turn around. But it's a constant battle and I hate it. The fact that its constant just makes me want to give up. Why is this so hard?

I have a bad attitude towards everything. my home church and school. I hate the school's music department. I want a boyfriend. I'm never content.

This is my problem: I'm not desiring God enough. I'm putting EVERYTHING before Him. He's on the back burner while everything/everyone else is an idol. But people still think i'm a great little girl which makes me think "why do I have to change?" I'm being prideful. I need to change. Not for anyone else, but me. I need to change bc people don't know what is inside of me. And I need to change bc deep down inside I WANT Jesus! I want Him to be first. Once He's first, everything else will fall into place. I just can't get discouraged. I have to fight off Satan. But I can't do it alone.

Jesus are you there............