My Biggest Fear and Greatest Hope

I am currently sitting on my bed listening to girls run across the hall singing and screaming, blaring music, and having fun. My room is filled with boxes and opened drawers that are calling my name to be packed away, for the end of the semester is near. In 6 days I am leaving BBC to go home and work. Some of my friends are going on mission trips, most of them doing full-time ministry at camps or music teams where they will be unreachable as they sell themselves to the work of Christ for the next 4 months. This includes my best friend and my boyfriend, Aaron Lee Hixson.

I've been battling alot of thoughts this past week. Anxiety, fear, anger, sadness. I don't want to leave this amazing environment. I don't want to leave structure and discipline. I don't want to leave my friends. I don't want to leave Aaron. And not only by leaving all of this, I am going home, where I run the risk of living like I did in high school- selfishly. I lived so much for myself because I didn't understand the need for the gospel in my everyday life. And because of that I fought a level of depression quite regularly. I'm scared of myself. My deceitful heart. I'm scared that I haven't learned enough in the past 2 years at school to be able to fight the sin of living selfishly for the next 4 months, if not more. So then I start to question why I'm not doing ministry this summer. Why am I not going on a missions trip? Why am I not working at a camp or traveling full time with RiSE again? Why am I going home to waitress? Compared to full-time ministry, waitressing seems like a waste of time. But it doesn't really matter what I think. It doesn't do any good to question. God wants me home. He's made that clear. And because His ways and thoughts are much higher than mine, it is my responsilbility to accept that and make the most of it.

This summer is all about choices- for everyone. Wherever we are, will we choose to grow? Will we choose to accept the challenges God puts in our path and trust in our Sovereign Savior? Will we choose to bring honor and glory to His name? Will we choose to believe that His way is best(Romans 8:28)...Even when we think we know a better way? Will we choose to find our joy and hope and satisfaction in the One who gave us life in order to do what we're doing this summer...Even when our hearts tell us it's not worth it? Will we choose to believe that God is greater than our hearts that condemn us (1 John 3:20) and surrender our desires to Him...Even when we get tired of doing what we're doing and are desperatly craving to be somewhere else and to be doing something else?

My biggest fear-myself. My sinful heart. Making choices.
My greatest hope-Jesus Christ. His death on the cross for me. His greatness being bigger than my heart that will constantly be trying to condemn me.
My choice-living for Jesus. All the time.

What's your choice?