I don't know if I've ever struggled so much with finding my satisfaction in God. And not only that, but believing I am complete in Christ. I. Am. Complete. In. Christ. Which means, I don't need anything else. I don't need popularity, I don't need talents, I don't need the newest coat or the warmest pair of shoes. I don't need friends. Yes, God has designed the body of Christ with friends to encourage and uplift one another, but when those become more important then my walk with Christ, they seem to fall apart. Or at least things seem to not go how I want or expect them to go. Which means this: I don't need any of it. I don't. I need Christ.
Everything around me screams "pour yourself into me!" or "make me #1!" or "You need this!" All of it is empty. It's deceitful. "Beware lest anyone spoil you through philosophy and vain deceit" Col 2. It doesn't matter that all my friends seem to have other friends or don't have time for me. It doesn't matter that everyone has a boyfriend and all they want to do is hook me up with one, also. None of that matters. Because it is empty. Compared to being complete in Christ it is absolutely empty. "Ye are complete in Him." Col 2.
And so that's where I stand. I quote this verse all day. I wake up and live life because CHrist completes me. I don't live for anyone else. I'm ok sitting in my room occasionally by myself knowing my friends are out without me, because my life doesn't revolve around them. It revolves around Christ. All these things that people are throwing in my face are worthless "compared with the glory that will be revealed in us." Roms 8:18
Jesus, You complete me. Help me to live in light of that awesome truth.
Sunday, October 24, 2010
Saturday, August 7, 2010
RiSE Family
As I read through some of my older posts I realize I keep saying things like "It was the best time of my life." But I don't joke around when I say the past 8weeks with RiSE has seriously been the best part of my life so far. The team has become family and I can't express how much I have grown to love each and every one of them. I am currently obssessed with the word "beautiful" so if I use it, it probably is not in the literal meaning.
Josiah: Siah is the guy you see on campus as an incoming freshmen and say "wow." Enough said. I never thought I would even speak to him or that he would even know I existed. But he has become someone that I love tremendously. One of the first things I noticed about Siah is that he is gentle-something I have never experienced before. He deals with stressful situations in a calm laid-back manner and tries his best to be patient. Josiah has taught me what a real brother looks like. He's showed me what it means to love and how to persevere through tough times. He understands more about girls than I ever thought possible in a guy and strives to act in such a way. While he is not an extremely deep person, he is willing to be a part of and listen to deep conversation. And when I need to talk, regardless of where he is or what is he doing, he'll talk. He tries his best to understand and instead of giving black and white advice, he shares his experiences and asks questions to get me to think through things...gently. His constant talk about Haiti is evidence of just how in love with God he really is. I never quite knew exactly what was going on in his mind or whether he was being sarcastic or not, but that is the joy of friendship. Learning something new about the person everyday. Essentially...Josiah, someone I never thought I would get to know, has become a beautiful older brother. I love you.
While Josiah never took a serious picture, Aaron always just felt awkward taking pictures with me. You can see the word "awkward" running through his mind in every picture. haha. Aaron Lee Hixson. Sometimes I love him, sometimes I hate him. But almost always I love him. He currently knows more about me than my brothers do. He can always tell when I'm happy or sad, when I'm tired or frustrated. He has taught me how to have fun. Besides increasing my knowledge of the english language, Aaron has taught me to stand up for myself. He's encouraged me greatly to stay in the Word, to make wise choices, and to never settle for anything less than what God has planned. Who he is now, coming out of a public high school, is a huge encouragement. He's shown me that it is possible to be in the world, but not of it-an image that is totally screwy in my mind. (yes I just said that.) His passion for Christ and to grow in Christ has totally blown my mind. I have never met a guy whose mind is always "set on things above" like Aaron's is. What comes out of his mouth is what is on his heart-and that is Christ. But most importantly...he's taught me how to trust. He's shown me what true repentance looks like-something that, again, I've never experienced before. He's taught me what it means to hurt, to forgive, and to trust again. And I would never trade any of that. Essentially...Aaron has become a beautiful best friend that I will never let go of. I love you.
Josh: Joshua Walton is someone else I never thought I would get to know. Not gonna lie...I thought he was a very cold, impatient person. It was AMAZING to see how much he changed over the summer. Josh became a deep, patient, sensitive, loving young man. He grew to care about life and the team, especially us girls, alot. Josh has taught me what it means to learn. Never be afraid of asking questions. The more questions you ask, the more you learn, and the more knowledgeable you become. He is the smartest guy I have ever met. First off, he probably knows 10x more about EVERYTHING than the average American does...but to top it all off, he's from Africa! An MK from Niger knows more about American history and everything else American than I do...which isn't saying much haha. But seriously. He's super smart! He has a great heart for ministry and I very much admire his passion for Muslims. His knowledge about the Bible makes me jealous. He craves time with Jesus and you can see it in his actions. He is very understanding and not only is willing to listen to me when I talk, but actually ASKS me to talk so he can get to know me better. Essentially...Josh has become a very selfless, loving friend that I will always remember. I love you.
And the best for last...Sam :) Samantha Mader has made my life a better place. I don't think I have ever met someone as deep as this girl. Sam taught me SO much this summer! She knows everything about me. And even if I tried, I could never hide anything from her. She's the most honest I've been with anyone. She taught me to stand up for myself, to not be afraid of what people think of me, and to share my opinion. She taught me that even though I am not as knowledgeable as the others, my opinion and words still matter. Who I am before Christ is more important than how others view me. She is super encouraging with her words. Her sincerty is something that, again, I have never experienced. She was always telling me how awesome I am or how cool I am or how talented I am or how God has used me in her life. You would think I would become prideful, but since I have self-confidence issues it was actually a huge encouragement. Sam always asked me questions about different situations that were going on in a way that I never would have thought possible. She got me to think through things on a whole different level. I think my favorite part was watching her try and figure me out. When she thought she had it, I would randomly throw her a curve ball and she would go into a state of confusion. It was so much fun hahaha. Essentially...Sam has become a beautiful close friend of which I will forever hold dear. I love you.
All of RiSE has made me laugh more in the past 3 months than I have the whole year. They have all taught me something different. They have all irritated me in different ways and they have all caused me to love them in different ways. I could say SOO much more but Essentially...RiSE has become my family. They have become a treasure in my life that I will never forget and hopefully never loose. I Love You All.
Josiah: Siah is the guy you see on campus as an incoming freshmen and say "wow." Enough said. I never thought I would even speak to him or that he would even know I existed. But he has become someone that I love tremendously. One of the first things I noticed about Siah is that he is gentle-something I have never experienced before. He deals with stressful situations in a calm laid-back manner and tries his best to be patient. Josiah has taught me what a real brother looks like. He's showed me what it means to love and how to persevere through tough times. He understands more about girls than I ever thought possible in a guy and strives to act in such a way. While he is not an extremely deep person, he is willing to be a part of and listen to deep conversation. And when I need to talk, regardless of where he is or what is he doing, he'll talk. He tries his best to understand and instead of giving black and white advice, he shares his experiences and asks questions to get me to think through things...gently. His constant talk about Haiti is evidence of just how in love with God he really is. I never quite knew exactly what was going on in his mind or whether he was being sarcastic or not, but that is the joy of friendship. Learning something new about the person everyday. Essentially...Josiah, someone I never thought I would get to know, has become a beautiful older brother. I love you.
While Josiah never took a serious picture, Aaron always just felt awkward taking pictures with me. You can see the word "awkward" running through his mind in every picture. haha. Aaron Lee Hixson. Sometimes I love him, sometimes I hate him. But almost always I love him. He currently knows more about me than my brothers do. He can always tell when I'm happy or sad, when I'm tired or frustrated. He has taught me how to have fun. Besides increasing my knowledge of the english language, Aaron has taught me to stand up for myself. He's encouraged me greatly to stay in the Word, to make wise choices, and to never settle for anything less than what God has planned. Who he is now, coming out of a public high school, is a huge encouragement. He's shown me that it is possible to be in the world, but not of it-an image that is totally screwy in my mind. (yes I just said that.) His passion for Christ and to grow in Christ has totally blown my mind. I have never met a guy whose mind is always "set on things above" like Aaron's is. What comes out of his mouth is what is on his heart-and that is Christ. But most importantly...he's taught me how to trust. He's shown me what true repentance looks like-something that, again, I've never experienced before. He's taught me what it means to hurt, to forgive, and to trust again. And I would never trade any of that. Essentially...Aaron has become a beautiful best friend that I will never let go of. I love you.
Josh: Joshua Walton is someone else I never thought I would get to know. Not gonna lie...I thought he was a very cold, impatient person. It was AMAZING to see how much he changed over the summer. Josh became a deep, patient, sensitive, loving young man. He grew to care about life and the team, especially us girls, alot. Josh has taught me what it means to learn. Never be afraid of asking questions. The more questions you ask, the more you learn, and the more knowledgeable you become. He is the smartest guy I have ever met. First off, he probably knows 10x more about EVERYTHING than the average American does...but to top it all off, he's from Africa! An MK from Niger knows more about American history and everything else American than I do...which isn't saying much haha. But seriously. He's super smart! He has a great heart for ministry and I very much admire his passion for Muslims. His knowledge about the Bible makes me jealous. He craves time with Jesus and you can see it in his actions. He is very understanding and not only is willing to listen to me when I talk, but actually ASKS me to talk so he can get to know me better. Essentially...Josh has become a very selfless, loving friend that I will always remember. I love you.
And the best for last...Sam :) Samantha Mader has made my life a better place. I don't think I have ever met someone as deep as this girl. Sam taught me SO much this summer! She knows everything about me. And even if I tried, I could never hide anything from her. She's the most honest I've been with anyone. She taught me to stand up for myself, to not be afraid of what people think of me, and to share my opinion. She taught me that even though I am not as knowledgeable as the others, my opinion and words still matter. Who I am before Christ is more important than how others view me. She is super encouraging with her words. Her sincerty is something that, again, I have never experienced. She was always telling me how awesome I am or how cool I am or how talented I am or how God has used me in her life. You would think I would become prideful, but since I have self-confidence issues it was actually a huge encouragement. Sam always asked me questions about different situations that were going on in a way that I never would have thought possible. She got me to think through things on a whole different level. I think my favorite part was watching her try and figure me out. When she thought she had it, I would randomly throw her a curve ball and she would go into a state of confusion. It was so much fun hahaha. Essentially...Sam has become a beautiful close friend of which I will forever hold dear. I love you.
All of RiSE has made me laugh more in the past 3 months than I have the whole year. They have all taught me something different. They have all irritated me in different ways and they have all caused me to love them in different ways. I could say SOO much more but Essentially...RiSE has become my family. They have become a treasure in my life that I will never forget and hopefully never loose. I Love You All.
Thursday, August 5, 2010
Romans
For the first time in my life I understand what it means to be guilt free. I understand what “condemnation” means. I understand that because Christ died on the cross for me I do not need to live in guilt of my sin. Christ died to set me free from carrying around that guilt. I am free from the guilt of all my sin. “There is therefore now no condemnation to those who are in Christ Jesus who do not walk according to the flesh, but according to the Spirit. The Spirit of life in Christ Jesus has made me free from the law of sin and death. For what the law could not do in that it was weak through the flesh, God did by sending His own Son in the likeness of sinful flesh, on account of sin: He condemned sin in the flesh…”
Romans 8: 1-3
Here’s the catch: “For those who live according to the flesh set their minds on the things of the flesh, but those who live according to the Spirit, the things of the Spirit. For to be carnally minded is death, but to be spiritually minded is life and peace. Because the carnal mind is enmity against God, for it is not subject of the law of God nor indeed can be. So then, those who are in the flesh cannot please God.” Romans 8:5-8
But guess what. “You are not in the flesh but in the Spirit, if indeed the Spirit of God dwells in you. Now if anyone does not have the Spirit of Christ, he is not His. And if Christ is in you, the body is dead because of sin, but the Spirit is life because of righteousness. But if the Spirit of Him who raised Jesus from the dead dwells in you, He who raised Christ from the dead will also give life to your mortal bodies through His Spirit who dwells in you.” Romans 8:9-11
In English: I can live guilt free of my sin because that’s the reason Christ died for me. To take my guilt and give me freedom. I have the strength to live in righteousness, to choose not to sin and live fleshly because Christ lives inside of me. The Spirit of God dwells inside of my body! How cool is that?! Living fleshly and being carnally minded is the pathway to death. But being spiritually minded brings life and peace. And that sounds 150% better than misery and sin and death. 150%.
I’ve been saved 13 yrs. I’ve been at a bible college for a year. I just spent three months at different Christian camps and interacting with troubled teens. I’ve spent 13 years living in complete stupidity of how amazing this is. And on the last day of my summer I’m finally realizing what it means to live free. I’m finally realizing how truly amazing it is that Christ died for me. I’m finally realizing how much freedom I have in Christ and what being saved and having salvation actually means. This is amazing.
Read the Bible. Study it. The words are inspired. They are God’s Words! Wow!!!
Romans 8: 1-3
Here’s the catch: “For those who live according to the flesh set their minds on the things of the flesh, but those who live according to the Spirit, the things of the Spirit. For to be carnally minded is death, but to be spiritually minded is life and peace. Because the carnal mind is enmity against God, for it is not subject of the law of God nor indeed can be. So then, those who are in the flesh cannot please God.” Romans 8:5-8
But guess what. “You are not in the flesh but in the Spirit, if indeed the Spirit of God dwells in you. Now if anyone does not have the Spirit of Christ, he is not His. And if Christ is in you, the body is dead because of sin, but the Spirit is life because of righteousness. But if the Spirit of Him who raised Jesus from the dead dwells in you, He who raised Christ from the dead will also give life to your mortal bodies through His Spirit who dwells in you.” Romans 8:9-11
In English: I can live guilt free of my sin because that’s the reason Christ died for me. To take my guilt and give me freedom. I have the strength to live in righteousness, to choose not to sin and live fleshly because Christ lives inside of me. The Spirit of God dwells inside of my body! How cool is that?! Living fleshly and being carnally minded is the pathway to death. But being spiritually minded brings life and peace. And that sounds 150% better than misery and sin and death. 150%.
I’ve been saved 13 yrs. I’ve been at a bible college for a year. I just spent three months at different Christian camps and interacting with troubled teens. I’ve spent 13 years living in complete stupidity of how amazing this is. And on the last day of my summer I’m finally realizing what it means to live free. I’m finally realizing how truly amazing it is that Christ died for me. I’m finally realizing how much freedom I have in Christ and what being saved and having salvation actually means. This is amazing.
Read the Bible. Study it. The words are inspired. They are God’s Words! Wow!!!
Tuesday, June 8, 2010
emptiness
I feel empty. I'm always searching for something. and it frustrates me. I know what i'm looking for. I'm looking for a man to love me. I'm looking for attention, to be treated extra special all the time. I'm looking for romance.
I know what I'm supposed to be looking for. I'm supposed to be searching for God. I'm supposed to be running to Him and looking to Him to satisfy me and love me and fulfill my heart. But Satan always entangles me in this lie that people here on earth, the ones who hurt me and dessert me, are better than a God who never leaves or forsakes. For some reason I keep buying into that lie. And i know its a lie. And thats what makes me angry. I always seem to be on the verge of giving up. Running from God and doing what I think will make me feel good. But thankfully, by God's grace, no matter how far on that line I come, God gives me enough common sense and conscience to say no and turn around. But it's a constant battle and I hate it. The fact that its constant just makes me want to give up. Why is this so hard?
I have a bad attitude towards everything. my home church and school. I hate the school's music department. I want a boyfriend. I'm never content.
This is my problem: I'm not desiring God enough. I'm putting EVERYTHING before Him. He's on the back burner while everything/everyone else is an idol. But people still think i'm a great little girl which makes me think "why do I have to change?" I'm being prideful. I need to change. Not for anyone else, but me. I need to change bc people don't know what is inside of me. And I need to change bc deep down inside I WANT Jesus! I want Him to be first. Once He's first, everything else will fall into place. I just can't get discouraged. I have to fight off Satan. But I can't do it alone.
Jesus are you there............
I know what I'm supposed to be looking for. I'm supposed to be searching for God. I'm supposed to be running to Him and looking to Him to satisfy me and love me and fulfill my heart. But Satan always entangles me in this lie that people here on earth, the ones who hurt me and dessert me, are better than a God who never leaves or forsakes. For some reason I keep buying into that lie. And i know its a lie. And thats what makes me angry. I always seem to be on the verge of giving up. Running from God and doing what I think will make me feel good. But thankfully, by God's grace, no matter how far on that line I come, God gives me enough common sense and conscience to say no and turn around. But it's a constant battle and I hate it. The fact that its constant just makes me want to give up. Why is this so hard?
I have a bad attitude towards everything. my home church and school. I hate the school's music department. I want a boyfriend. I'm never content.
This is my problem: I'm not desiring God enough. I'm putting EVERYTHING before Him. He's on the back burner while everything/everyone else is an idol. But people still think i'm a great little girl which makes me think "why do I have to change?" I'm being prideful. I need to change. Not for anyone else, but me. I need to change bc people don't know what is inside of me. And I need to change bc deep down inside I WANT Jesus! I want Him to be first. Once He's first, everything else will fall into place. I just can't get discouraged. I have to fight off Satan. But I can't do it alone.
Jesus are you there............
Tuesday, June 1, 2010
Two weeks of....
May tour is over. It was the best three weeks of my life. I know things about these people that I never thought I would know...some of which I wish I didn't know haha. But its been great. We have two weeks off. Oh what to do with my time. It's wierd to be without the team. They were there every waking moment of everyday for three weeks straight. This morning I woke up and no one was home. It was quiet. It was wierd. I was seeing NH lisense plates, I was at a wedding watching my good friend change her life, my friends from Texas are here, I was seeing people from high school. It was wierd. Good, but wierd.
Tonight my family, mostly me and the boys, rode motorcycles and 4 wheelers. The guys on the team make fun of me for liking those things and trucks. But hey. I have two crazy insane brothers. I can't help it :)
Instead of wishing away this time with my family and wishing for the next 7 weeks with the team, I have decided to make the most of my time home. I made hamburgers with mom tonight for dinner. I've decided that I need to start learning some woman things. The guys know I like trucks and can't cook...thats not exactly the most attractive thing in the world hahaha. Instead of being attatched to my phone, waiting for a text from the team, I am going to invest my time in God's Word. I really need t get serious with my Savior. I feel disconnected with Him. I catch myself thinking that life will be fine if i just let it revolve around guys and materia things. But life will so SO MUCH BETTER if I forget about those things and put Christ first!
Not tomorrow. Not in three hours. Now. Christ is becoming my first right now.
Saturday, May 15, 2010
An awesome team
This is the first week of traveling with my team. It has been the most amazing, tiring week of my life. I feel like I've known these people for years and its only been a week. We have laughed more hours than we have slept and we have more inside jokes then we do anything else.
Our concerts have gone well for the most part. Each place keeps getting better and better. If our music is bad, the people are great. And if our music is great then people are great too. I sat in on a small group of freshman girls and they were the most legit down to earth loving God girls I have met in a long time. They were so open and not afraid to share anything. They really challenged me to be more open and not be afraid of sharing my heart. We've had a lot of hand clapping and dancing and jumping up and down from the crowds. We've performed on bigger stages than I've even seen in real life. God has been so good.
We're tired. But God is good. We're at a home school convention this weekend representing BBC so it has given us a break from music. Last night we stayed at Aaron's sister's house-a guy from the team. It was totally chill and really nice to just sit and relax.
God is good. And this is great!
Sunday, May 9, 2010
My Best Friends
Sometimes I get sentimental. And i'm in one of those moods right now so bare with me :)
These are my best friends who I miss terribly. And I've only been without them for 3 days...
Ashlee Farr-The graduated and engaged, very soon-to-be-married, sweet woman of God. Her stories about the kids she babysat always made me laugh. No matter how busy and stressed out she is, she always has time for me. To listen, to correct my thinking, to open up her quiet peaceful room and allow me to study or pray with her. The one who kept me on track with Christ this semester. I have never met anyone with such godly wisdom as Ashlee. Thank you. I love you
Marissa Langenthal-She adopted me. The minute I met her she pulled me under her wing and became the best friend I have ever had. She can read my face and my words, she can tell when I'm upset and when I'm truely happy. Never once has she told me she doens't have time to talk even though she's the busiest over-worked person I have ever met. She takes me out all the time for coffee, dinner, shopping, or just a drive. Lets me cry in her lap and roll on her floor in laughter. I will never loose her. ever. I love you.
Becky Staley-my thinking companion. Becky always seems to know when I need to talk or when I just need someone to listen and sympathize with me. She's someone I can talk through things with and get her feed back on. The biggest spiritual accountability partner I have ever had. Her love for Christ reflects through her incredible graciousness she shows to everyone no matter how hard they are to love. She asks the hard questions without caring if I'll hate her for it or not. A great hugger. I love you.
I have to go pack now. In the freezing cold. I'm inside and I can barely feel my ankles, its so cold here.
I love you all and miss you terribly.
HUG
These are my best friends who I miss terribly. And I've only been without them for 3 days...
Ashlee Farr-The graduated and engaged, very soon-to-be-married, sweet woman of God. Her stories about the kids she babysat always made me laugh. No matter how busy and stressed out she is, she always has time for me. To listen, to correct my thinking, to open up her quiet peaceful room and allow me to study or pray with her. The one who kept me on track with Christ this semester. I have never met anyone with such godly wisdom as Ashlee. Thank you. I love you
Marissa Langenthal-She adopted me. The minute I met her she pulled me under her wing and became the best friend I have ever had. She can read my face and my words, she can tell when I'm upset and when I'm truely happy. Never once has she told me she doens't have time to talk even though she's the busiest over-worked person I have ever met. She takes me out all the time for coffee, dinner, shopping, or just a drive. Lets me cry in her lap and roll on her floor in laughter. I will never loose her. ever. I love you.
Becky Staley-my thinking companion. Becky always seems to know when I need to talk or when I just need someone to listen and sympathize with me. She's someone I can talk through things with and get her feed back on. The biggest spiritual accountability partner I have ever had. Her love for Christ reflects through her incredible graciousness she shows to everyone no matter how hard they are to love. She asks the hard questions without caring if I'll hate her for it or not. A great hugger. I love you.
I have to go pack now. In the freezing cold. I'm inside and I can barely feel my ankles, its so cold here.
I love you all and miss you terribly.
HUG
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