I feel empty. I'm always searching for something. and it frustrates me. I know what i'm looking for. I'm looking for a man to love me. I'm looking for attention, to be treated extra special all the time. I'm looking for romance.
I know what I'm supposed to be looking for. I'm supposed to be searching for God. I'm supposed to be running to Him and looking to Him to satisfy me and love me and fulfill my heart. But Satan always entangles me in this lie that people here on earth, the ones who hurt me and dessert me, are better than a God who never leaves or forsakes. For some reason I keep buying into that lie. And i know its a lie. And thats what makes me angry. I always seem to be on the verge of giving up. Running from God and doing what I think will make me feel good. But thankfully, by God's grace, no matter how far on that line I come, God gives me enough common sense and conscience to say no and turn around. But it's a constant battle and I hate it. The fact that its constant just makes me want to give up. Why is this so hard?
I have a bad attitude towards everything. my home church and school. I hate the school's music department. I want a boyfriend. I'm never content.
This is my problem: I'm not desiring God enough. I'm putting EVERYTHING before Him. He's on the back burner while everything/everyone else is an idol. But people still think i'm a great little girl which makes me think "why do I have to change?" I'm being prideful. I need to change. Not for anyone else, but me. I need to change bc people don't know what is inside of me. And I need to change bc deep down inside I WANT Jesus! I want Him to be first. Once He's first, everything else will fall into place. I just can't get discouraged. I have to fight off Satan. But I can't do it alone.
Jesus are you there............
Tuesday, June 8, 2010
Tuesday, June 1, 2010
Two weeks of....
May tour is over. It was the best three weeks of my life. I know things about these people that I never thought I would know...some of which I wish I didn't know haha. But its been great. We have two weeks off. Oh what to do with my time. It's wierd to be without the team. They were there every waking moment of everyday for three weeks straight. This morning I woke up and no one was home. It was quiet. It was wierd. I was seeing NH lisense plates, I was at a wedding watching my good friend change her life, my friends from Texas are here, I was seeing people from high school. It was wierd. Good, but wierd.
Tonight my family, mostly me and the boys, rode motorcycles and 4 wheelers. The guys on the team make fun of me for liking those things and trucks. But hey. I have two crazy insane brothers. I can't help it :)
Instead of wishing away this time with my family and wishing for the next 7 weeks with the team, I have decided to make the most of my time home. I made hamburgers with mom tonight for dinner. I've decided that I need to start learning some woman things. The guys know I like trucks and can't cook...thats not exactly the most attractive thing in the world hahaha. Instead of being attatched to my phone, waiting for a text from the team, I am going to invest my time in God's Word. I really need t get serious with my Savior. I feel disconnected with Him. I catch myself thinking that life will be fine if i just let it revolve around guys and materia things. But life will so SO MUCH BETTER if I forget about those things and put Christ first!
Not tomorrow. Not in three hours. Now. Christ is becoming my first right now.
Saturday, May 15, 2010
An awesome team
This is the first week of traveling with my team. It has been the most amazing, tiring week of my life. I feel like I've known these people for years and its only been a week. We have laughed more hours than we have slept and we have more inside jokes then we do anything else.
Our concerts have gone well for the most part. Each place keeps getting better and better. If our music is bad, the people are great. And if our music is great then people are great too. I sat in on a small group of freshman girls and they were the most legit down to earth loving God girls I have met in a long time. They were so open and not afraid to share anything. They really challenged me to be more open and not be afraid of sharing my heart. We've had a lot of hand clapping and dancing and jumping up and down from the crowds. We've performed on bigger stages than I've even seen in real life. God has been so good.
We're tired. But God is good. We're at a home school convention this weekend representing BBC so it has given us a break from music. Last night we stayed at Aaron's sister's house-a guy from the team. It was totally chill and really nice to just sit and relax.
God is good. And this is great!
Sunday, May 9, 2010
My Best Friends
Sometimes I get sentimental. And i'm in one of those moods right now so bare with me :)
These are my best friends who I miss terribly. And I've only been without them for 3 days...
Ashlee Farr-The graduated and engaged, very soon-to-be-married, sweet woman of God. Her stories about the kids she babysat always made me laugh. No matter how busy and stressed out she is, she always has time for me. To listen, to correct my thinking, to open up her quiet peaceful room and allow me to study or pray with her. The one who kept me on track with Christ this semester. I have never met anyone with such godly wisdom as Ashlee. Thank you. I love you
Marissa Langenthal-She adopted me. The minute I met her she pulled me under her wing and became the best friend I have ever had. She can read my face and my words, she can tell when I'm upset and when I'm truely happy. Never once has she told me she doens't have time to talk even though she's the busiest over-worked person I have ever met. She takes me out all the time for coffee, dinner, shopping, or just a drive. Lets me cry in her lap and roll on her floor in laughter. I will never loose her. ever. I love you.
Becky Staley-my thinking companion. Becky always seems to know when I need to talk or when I just need someone to listen and sympathize with me. She's someone I can talk through things with and get her feed back on. The biggest spiritual accountability partner I have ever had. Her love for Christ reflects through her incredible graciousness she shows to everyone no matter how hard they are to love. She asks the hard questions without caring if I'll hate her for it or not. A great hugger. I love you.
I have to go pack now. In the freezing cold. I'm inside and I can barely feel my ankles, its so cold here.
I love you all and miss you terribly.
HUG
These are my best friends who I miss terribly. And I've only been without them for 3 days...
Ashlee Farr-The graduated and engaged, very soon-to-be-married, sweet woman of God. Her stories about the kids she babysat always made me laugh. No matter how busy and stressed out she is, she always has time for me. To listen, to correct my thinking, to open up her quiet peaceful room and allow me to study or pray with her. The one who kept me on track with Christ this semester. I have never met anyone with such godly wisdom as Ashlee. Thank you. I love you
Marissa Langenthal-She adopted me. The minute I met her she pulled me under her wing and became the best friend I have ever had. She can read my face and my words, she can tell when I'm upset and when I'm truely happy. Never once has she told me she doens't have time to talk even though she's the busiest over-worked person I have ever met. She takes me out all the time for coffee, dinner, shopping, or just a drive. Lets me cry in her lap and roll on her floor in laughter. I will never loose her. ever. I love you.
Becky Staley-my thinking companion. Becky always seems to know when I need to talk or when I just need someone to listen and sympathize with me. She's someone I can talk through things with and get her feed back on. The biggest spiritual accountability partner I have ever had. Her love for Christ reflects through her incredible graciousness she shows to everyone no matter how hard they are to love. She asks the hard questions without caring if I'll hate her for it or not. A great hugger. I love you.
I have to go pack now. In the freezing cold. I'm inside and I can barely feel my ankles, its so cold here.
I love you all and miss you terribly.
HUG
Tomorrow is the beginning of SUMMER
I have officially finished my first year of college. Freshman year complete! It's been a crazy semester. Some of the hardest struggles in my faith have occurred this semester. But God brought me through and by His grace I am still walking with Him.
Tomorrow morning at 9am I leave for the summer. I am part of my school's summer ministry team. It's a worship band that travels all summer long and leads chapels and Christian schools and worship for weeks at a time at camps. I had applied to work at a camp this summer but didn't get accepted. My next decision was that I would just go back home and work. But 2 months ago I got asked to pray about auditioning for this team. Its the kind of music I love but I didn't think I would actually get accepted. Especially since I was auditioning 2 months late. But God decided to take me on a different path and I got accepted for this team. We've been practicing for a month and tomorrow we leave. I have the first 2 weeks in June off and then we're back on the road for 7 weeks.
I am super excited about this ministry. It combines everything I love-music, worship, camp, travelling, people, and God. But I'm scared. Really scared. I'm scared its gonna be hard. and I'm gonna fail. I'm scared that I won't be able to get over my exhaustion and invest in people's lives the proper way. I'm afraid my relationships on the team will get complicated and I won't have enough self control to stop it. I'm scared I won't trust God.
again-I'm really really excited. I've never thought I would be doing anything like this ever. But I'm dreding the growing that's gonna take place. That sounds awful but sometimes growing is hard. And I feel like I"m not ready for it. But I have to trust. Obviously if I wasn't ready for it, I would've gotten accepted on this team and God would have me home right now. So all it takes is trust...but trusting is the hard part....
Tomorrow morning at 9am I leave for the summer. I am part of my school's summer ministry team. It's a worship band that travels all summer long and leads chapels and Christian schools and worship for weeks at a time at camps. I had applied to work at a camp this summer but didn't get accepted. My next decision was that I would just go back home and work. But 2 months ago I got asked to pray about auditioning for this team. Its the kind of music I love but I didn't think I would actually get accepted. Especially since I was auditioning 2 months late. But God decided to take me on a different path and I got accepted for this team. We've been practicing for a month and tomorrow we leave. I have the first 2 weeks in June off and then we're back on the road for 7 weeks.
I am super excited about this ministry. It combines everything I love-music, worship, camp, travelling, people, and God. But I'm scared. Really scared. I'm scared its gonna be hard. and I'm gonna fail. I'm scared that I won't be able to get over my exhaustion and invest in people's lives the proper way. I'm afraid my relationships on the team will get complicated and I won't have enough self control to stop it. I'm scared I won't trust God.
again-I'm really really excited. I've never thought I would be doing anything like this ever. But I'm dreding the growing that's gonna take place. That sounds awful but sometimes growing is hard. And I feel like I"m not ready for it. But I have to trust. Obviously if I wasn't ready for it, I would've gotten accepted on this team and God would have me home right now. So all it takes is trust...but trusting is the hard part....
Saturday, January 23, 2010
God is good even among the craziness of life
Dear Readers,
Its been almost two months since I've written. I've finished my first semester of college and am starting my third week of my second semester tomorrow. I wanted to write and tell you how amazing God has been this week...
Its actually been one of the worst weeks I've had in a while...
Tuesday night my best friend, Becky's, cousin died in a car accident. he was 25yrs old and not saved. His mom just lost her husband in May. You have to understand that I have never had someone dear to me die. Especially in a freak accident. So to start out, I definitley could not understand fully Becky's pain. But if you've ever been with someone that answers a phone call only to find out someone has died, you'll understand the hurt that is involved. Becky is the most spiritually sensitized person I will ever meet. She loves the Lord with all her heart, soul, and mind, and everyone can see that in her. Five minutes before this she had just returned from helping with the inner city kids down town. But that doesn't stop the grieving process. I held her as she sobbed on the phone listening to her mom tell her what had happened. I thought she was going to throw up. I felt so helpless. I kept trying to picture myself in that position and what I would want to do, but I just couldn't. There ended up being about 10 of us girls who gathered around her, cried, held hands, and called on Jesus to give Becky and her family, especially her Aunt, comfort.
All this week my good friend Nathaniel had been really struggling. His father has cancer and he's watching him die. Nate is a junior and the student body president. I met him when I came to tour the school last Feb. I tell him that he's my sane older brother that I've never had. Anyway, he's always been such a huge encouragement to me and so to see him so upset about his dad wasnt the most joyful thing in the world. And just as he was done fighting with God about it, his dad took a turn for the worse.
Thursday night I started thinking abot my brother Adam and how I need to show him God's love alot more than I do. So I decided to start calling him once a week. But I ran out of time that night to call him. Friday morning I woke up feeling wierd. I felt like something was wrong. And I thought of Adam. It was really wierd. I didn't continue thinking too much about it until about 9:30am when mom texted me. Adam had been rushed to the ER around 1am that morning. He started throwing up at 9pm Thursday night and his pain was so bad that his RA decided he needed to go to the ER. He spent from 1-5am there. The doctors gave him two full bags of IV fluids and morphine for the pain...which means the pain was pretty bad bc Adam is pretty tough. They sent him home with "anti throwing up" medicine as he's calling it. He's on bed rest for the weekend. Turns out he caught a severely contagious intestinal virus.
Couple hour later I get another text saying that my grandmother was having emergency surgery on a stint kidney 2:00 that afternoon.
Needless to say...Friday was a long day...and the whole week has been very very stretching. Everyone in the dorm has been cranky and strssed and sick and annoyed. I just wanted to hide...except I have a cray roommate that sleeps all day and fools off at night...so hiding isn't very easy.
I have never craved God's Word so much in my life. And as a result I have never learned so much in life. I have never had so many good questions about God and the Bible. I've been searching for the answers to life all week. Have I found them? Not all. But I'm beginningto understand alot more of God's Word. I'm learning how to use struggles and trials to build my character instead of letting them tear me down. I'm learning how to run to God instead of complaining about how miserable life is. And I'm learning the balance of God being a powerful chastener and a compassionate lover.
I've also got myself a regular cleaning job Saturday mornings and pretty sure a waitressing job on the weekends. I was asked to be a part of the worship team to class chapel on Friday so that was a highlight of my week. I forgot how much fun it was to play worship and I now have the resources of a real worship band.
SO I just want you all to know that GOD IS GOOD EVEN AMOUNG THE CRAZINESS OF LIFE!!! Please don't ever forget that.
Psalm 103
Its been almost two months since I've written. I've finished my first semester of college and am starting my third week of my second semester tomorrow. I wanted to write and tell you how amazing God has been this week...
Its actually been one of the worst weeks I've had in a while...
Tuesday night my best friend, Becky's, cousin died in a car accident. he was 25yrs old and not saved. His mom just lost her husband in May. You have to understand that I have never had someone dear to me die. Especially in a freak accident. So to start out, I definitley could not understand fully Becky's pain. But if you've ever been with someone that answers a phone call only to find out someone has died, you'll understand the hurt that is involved. Becky is the most spiritually sensitized person I will ever meet. She loves the Lord with all her heart, soul, and mind, and everyone can see that in her. Five minutes before this she had just returned from helping with the inner city kids down town. But that doesn't stop the grieving process. I held her as she sobbed on the phone listening to her mom tell her what had happened. I thought she was going to throw up. I felt so helpless. I kept trying to picture myself in that position and what I would want to do, but I just couldn't. There ended up being about 10 of us girls who gathered around her, cried, held hands, and called on Jesus to give Becky and her family, especially her Aunt, comfort.
All this week my good friend Nathaniel had been really struggling. His father has cancer and he's watching him die. Nate is a junior and the student body president. I met him when I came to tour the school last Feb. I tell him that he's my sane older brother that I've never had. Anyway, he's always been such a huge encouragement to me and so to see him so upset about his dad wasnt the most joyful thing in the world. And just as he was done fighting with God about it, his dad took a turn for the worse.
Thursday night I started thinking abot my brother Adam and how I need to show him God's love alot more than I do. So I decided to start calling him once a week. But I ran out of time that night to call him. Friday morning I woke up feeling wierd. I felt like something was wrong. And I thought of Adam. It was really wierd. I didn't continue thinking too much about it until about 9:30am when mom texted me. Adam had been rushed to the ER around 1am that morning. He started throwing up at 9pm Thursday night and his pain was so bad that his RA decided he needed to go to the ER. He spent from 1-5am there. The doctors gave him two full bags of IV fluids and morphine for the pain...which means the pain was pretty bad bc Adam is pretty tough. They sent him home with "anti throwing up" medicine as he's calling it. He's on bed rest for the weekend. Turns out he caught a severely contagious intestinal virus.
Couple hour later I get another text saying that my grandmother was having emergency surgery on a stint kidney 2:00 that afternoon.
Needless to say...Friday was a long day...and the whole week has been very very stretching. Everyone in the dorm has been cranky and strssed and sick and annoyed. I just wanted to hide...except I have a cray roommate that sleeps all day and fools off at night...so hiding isn't very easy.
I have never craved God's Word so much in my life. And as a result I have never learned so much in life. I have never had so many good questions about God and the Bible. I've been searching for the answers to life all week. Have I found them? Not all. But I'm beginningto understand alot more of God's Word. I'm learning how to use struggles and trials to build my character instead of letting them tear me down. I'm learning how to run to God instead of complaining about how miserable life is. And I'm learning the balance of God being a powerful chastener and a compassionate lover.
I've also got myself a regular cleaning job Saturday mornings and pretty sure a waitressing job on the weekends. I was asked to be a part of the worship team to class chapel on Friday so that was a highlight of my week. I forgot how much fun it was to play worship and I now have the resources of a real worship band.
SO I just want you all to know that GOD IS GOOD EVEN AMOUNG THE CRAZINESS OF LIFE!!! Please don't ever forget that.
Psalm 103
Monday, December 14, 2009
End of Semester 1
2 more days and my first semester at college is over. Can you believe it?? i still can't even believe I'm in college. Of course, right as it ends I'm just starting to meet more new ppl that I enjoy hanging out with, but its ok...always got next semester for the ones who are coming back.
This past weekend my parents surprised me and came down to see my Christmas concert. It was the best thing ever. I was actually excited about accompanying the choir and no one was going to be there to watch me. But little did I know that my family escaped our annual trip to Maine and came the total opposite direction to watch me. it was great :) The concert went really really well. We had on Friday night and twice on Saturday. On Saturday night, the crowd wanted an encore and chose the one I played for. it was so much fun :)They spent the night at a hotel and were able to come to my church that I attend. My mom even made buckeyes for all my friends and brought them with her so I could pass them out! How cool is that?
Anyway, this week is finals week. I had three major ones today. Two tomorrow and one wednesday. Adam is leaving wed night at 10pm and driving through the night to pick me up so we can go home for break. He'll be here around 5am. That will be an exciting trip lol
I've had the quite the adventure meeting new boys recently in the weight room. 2 of the 5 have girlfriends back home but for some reason they're the ones who pay the most attention to me. i do not understand that. I've been able to play a pick up game of basketball in the gym with some of them which has been really good for me to get out and "spread my wings." I've really kept to myself this semester.
The thing I'm most looking forward to when I get home besides forcing myself to relax...seeing CHERITH HUNT!!!!! YAY!!! I'm so excited to get to talk to her in person again. Being in the states at leasts makes a difference over breaks :)
Anyway i should probably be studying...my brain hurts. see you all soon :)
This past weekend my parents surprised me and came down to see my Christmas concert. It was the best thing ever. I was actually excited about accompanying the choir and no one was going to be there to watch me. But little did I know that my family escaped our annual trip to Maine and came the total opposite direction to watch me. it was great :) The concert went really really well. We had on Friday night and twice on Saturday. On Saturday night, the crowd wanted an encore and chose the one I played for. it was so much fun :)They spent the night at a hotel and were able to come to my church that I attend. My mom even made buckeyes for all my friends and brought them with her so I could pass them out! How cool is that?
Anyway, this week is finals week. I had three major ones today. Two tomorrow and one wednesday. Adam is leaving wed night at 10pm and driving through the night to pick me up so we can go home for break. He'll be here around 5am. That will be an exciting trip lol
I've had the quite the adventure meeting new boys recently in the weight room. 2 of the 5 have girlfriends back home but for some reason they're the ones who pay the most attention to me. i do not understand that. I've been able to play a pick up game of basketball in the gym with some of them which has been really good for me to get out and "spread my wings." I've really kept to myself this semester.
The thing I'm most looking forward to when I get home besides forcing myself to relax...seeing CHERITH HUNT!!!!! YAY!!! I'm so excited to get to talk to her in person again. Being in the states at leasts makes a difference over breaks :)
Anyway i should probably be studying...my brain hurts. see you all soon :)
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